My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
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But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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