my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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