I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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