I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
