I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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