Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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