i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
