Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
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should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
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Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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