i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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