Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
