Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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