fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
