No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
