I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
