So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
