I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
