the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
