The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
