when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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