just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
