hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
