a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
