Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
