I think my fart just growled at me.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
