i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
