i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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