Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
