So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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