im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
