It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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