super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
