Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
