so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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