Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
