It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
