Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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