I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
