please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I did not marry a roomba.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
