i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
