R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
