Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
