my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
