My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How external is "for external use only"?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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