i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
