what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
