you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize