also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
