Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
