Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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