Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just gift wrapped bread.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
