Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
