god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
