Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
