I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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