The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
