Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
